A Call for Empathy
Personal Reflection: When is the last time you did something for another person without the expectation of a “thanks’’ or some kind of recognition? Be honest with yourself. Did you feel resentful if they didn’t thank you in the right voice? Did you do the task to partially make yourself feel good? When someone ignored your good deed, did you think to yourself “humph, see if I ever take time out of my day to do that again?”
Odds are, you can’t remember an exact day or action. If you can, congratulations!
I’m not here to lecture you on altruism, if it even exists, or to shame you over your “selfishness.” I just want us as a society to be more aware of and effortful in being more empathetic to ourselves and to others. Yes, empathy can be given to yourself, too. Not just other people.
The loss of empathy as part of our culture has really coincided with the rise of new social technologies. Our ability to receive instant gratification through no-commercial streaming, texts and DMs, and being able to automatically find the answer to most questions through a simple online search has left us impatient in almost every facet of our lives. Traffic makes us angrier, “slow” customer service makes us feel entitled, even slow internet makes our rage bubble up when the stakes just aren’t that high. Seeing ads during our TV is a thing of the past, and when we do encounter them, it’s straight to the phone to browse social media. We can’t wait and sit with boredom and discomfort. We are impatient for the next piece of entertainment. We have phones and streaming and computers to constantly stimulate us. We don’t always realize it’s happening either, because our ability to focus on ourselves and our feelings has disappeared now that we are trained to always be multitasking and have 15 thoughts racing through our heads all the time. This impatience is one of the reasons we don’t consider why someone might have cut us off in traffic (it was an honest mistake, they forgot to check their blind spot) or why service was slower than usual (a worker called out last minute and now your server has to add 2 or 3 tables to their shift), but rather we come up with a story to dismiss any discomfort or guilt. That driver was reckless (doesn’t he know who I am and that I’m in a hurry?), or that server is incompetent and isn’t taking care of me (see if he gets a tip now!).
On Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, we are able to share the best parts of our lives and connect with people from across the planet. Post a funny tweet and get a boost of adrenaline and self-esteem when the retweets, likes, and comments start rolling in. Post a good picture on Instagram and you are feeling great for a week. But what if your newest tweet doesn’t get the same engagement as a lesser tweet from someone in your circle. Do you get that deep feeling of jealousy? Maybe a little anxiety? “Sara usually retweets my posts but now she only liked it. Is she mad at me? Why aren’t I funny enough?” “I’m way hotter than Kenzie, I deserve those likes.” While most of us aren’t quite ‘addicted’ to our social platforms, our codependency on that attention is growing and making us less caring for the emotions of others and more self-focused.
Fans of musical artists, actors, and writers can gather in a shared space to surround themselves with like-minded people on sites like Twitter and Tumblr, but this quickly turns into an echo chamber when empathy is removed from the culture. Stan culture on social media has granted itself the reputation of being ruthless and hive-minded. Daily death threats from fans are sent to people who dare to question the lyrics of Taylor Swift or dislike an song by Harry Styles. You either are all in or all out. There is no space for critique or hesitation, and certainly no space for conversation and understanding. Social media was made to connect with people with all different ways of life, beliefs, and opinions, and yet it is becoming a space of growing isolation and ostracization.
We see this lack of empathy spread into our politics. Online, anonymous accounts send us violent attacks for not believing in the same cause the same way. You could both agree that rent is too high, but if you don’t agree exactly on how to lower the rent, well then you must be an idiot and incapable of caring for anyone but yourself. Compromise is a thing of the past for many folks. Regardless of party, belief, or preference, there is a stark difference in how our government works now as compared to 40 years ago. In the late 1900s, even if political parties disagreed (which they often did) on the resolution of a problem, there was typically more of an effort to compromise and come to an agreement in order to best help the nation.
“But Erin, how can I have empathy for others when my life is already so hard?”
Life is hard. Especially in the middle of a pandemic. We are is self-preservation mode. Even when you are at your lowest point, the silver lining is that empathy and struggle aren’t mutually exclusive. It takes practice to separate your frustration and jealousy of your current situation from judgment of others’. Why should I celebrate my friend’s promotion when I’ve been unemployed for nearly a year? Who cares about some random person’s opinion on the internet when I can hardly get anyone to listen to me? The great thing about life is that people are always changing and transforming and growing. Just because you feel bad and negative and unlucky today doesn’t mean you are doomed to be and act that way forever. You can always learn to adjust your view of the world and learn to be empathetic in ways you haven’t been before.
In my experience, commonalities and a genuine understanding of others is the key to a truly empathetic connection. Many oppressed communities have this understanding of struggle ingrained in their being, whether it is generational trauma, a constant fight for your right to exist as you are, or facing daily microaggressions and violence. For advantaged communities, it may be hard to connect with the struggles of other people in a sincere way if it doesn’t affect you personally. So I say, educate yourself with intention. We have all seen the folks who enter a conversation with no intention of listening and understanding — it only ends in anger, trauma, and communities understanding each other less and less. You have to go into this education with the desire to understand, not to respond. Read books by writers of color. Understand how our economic system has widened the wage gap and sparked cycles of poverty. Watch lectures by people with disabilities sharing their experiences. Learn the history of LGBTQ+ protests and their fight for freedom. Do something to hear the stories of people unlike you, and set an intention to care about it.
If you find yourself struggling to do so, have empathy for yourself. Maybe your parents taught you to be self-preserving at the expense of others, maybe your educational history was one-sided, white-focused, and historically inaccurate, teaching you that only hard workers have earned and deserve a decent life. Maybe you just don’t care. Whatever the reason, you can’t change overnight either. But you have to put in the effort. Remind yourself that you can’t instantly create a new personality, and forgive yourself for honest mistakes, but also challenge yourself daily. Do one thing to brighten the day of another person without expecting a reward or benefit for yourself in return.
Keep your social media, keep your Netflix, and just inquire into the ways they are affecting your mood, relationships, and actions. Why are you using social media? Is it to sincerely connect with the world around you (including those who disagree with you), or is it to receive validation through likes, retweets, and follows? Will watching a 30-second ad without switching to scrolling through your Facebook feed negatively impact your quality of life? Always be questioning your kneejerk reactions to better understand them and yourself. Why do you feel so uncomfortable when you have to wait? Why does a tweet going viral feel so much better than sitting outside and just allowing yourself to sit with nature? Why do we feel proud when giving $5 to a person in need? Sit with that, and find ways to insert empathy in your daily routine. Lord knows we could all use a smile right about now.
